I Fail At Flock Hunting
by Polodo
Summary: The Flock shows up in my town, so I kidnap one of them. Watch how they torture and/or get away from me! This is gonna be funny! P.S. No offense to people who 'capture' Flock. I just thought this would be funny. Kplus for cartoon violence, mild swearing, and rude humor at points.
1. The Setup

**Welcome to my new story! This one is mainly to poke fun at those capture stories. I don't hate them. Heck, I love 'em. But I can't resist this opportunity.**

**Basically, I successfully manage to capture each Flock member, then the story shows how they get away, or how I let them free (the latter will be because they fray my last nerve).**

**It will sound like it is happening at current time, like the Hunger Games for those who have read it.**

**Anyway, here is the intro to all of the captures:  
****

* * *

The Plan**

Have you ever wanted a flock member? I have; it has been a dream of mine. I mean, I would have my very own superstar right in my home!

Of course, the odds of them wanting to come with me are not likely, considering they don't know me, but hey! I'll find a way to say hi to them.

I know! I'll kidnap one! It would be the quickest way to say hi to them and all of that. But it would be hard to steal all of them at once. So I'll only take one or two. But who…

There's Max, who is the leader of them all. She would be cool to hang out with. But she's the biggest celebrity of all of them, so I might want to stay away from her.

Then there's Fang. He's awesome! But sadly, all of the Fang-girls will be all over him, and, if I have ever learned anything in life, it was never to get in the way of a fan-girl seeing who their fanning over. I've already had enough broken bones.

You can't forget Iggy. He's blind, which would make things harder for him to cope with. But he's also a cool guy. Decisions, decisions.

Nudge is a possibility. She's the closest in age, which would mean it would be easier to click with her and become friends with.

Gazzy would be hilarious to have over. It would be like a party, having him mimic voices. Oh my word that would be fun.

Then there's Angel. She's so sweet and kind to everyone, it would be easy to be friends with her. Also, maybe if I ask politely, she would use her mind-reading ability to see if girls like me or not.

Total… I guess. It'd be kind of funny to see that dramatic pup. Plus, He'd be a lot of help with critiquing all of the restaurants around here. Don't forget him being a talking dog! I'd love to see the look on my friends faces. Oh my word that would be priceless.

Which one should I choose? Hm…

Anyway I choose this will be fun! I just can't wait to have my very own Flock member. Except for one thing… I have no clue where they are. I sigh and turn on the news.

The anchorman was droning on about some jewelry store robbery before it cuts to commercial. I just sit patiently.

When the news came back on I heard something I was interested in.

The newswoman said, "This just in. The so-called 'Flock' has landed in a city known as Vanhugan…"

_That's where I live!_

"They have been spotted flying into the park forests. There have been no paparatsi attempts because of the strength of the press in that region…

"However, numerous hikers claim that they are sleeping about a quarter of a mile in on the main trail…

"That is all on this story, back to you Frank."

The anchorman talking about a recent murder is background as I think to myself.

Yes! They are finally in my area. I can even bike down the main trail to where they are!

_Now…_, I thought to myself confidently, _which Flock member do I want the most?

* * *

_**FYI: I just made up Vanhugan. So don't bother Google Earthing it.**

**Yes this is short, but I plan for the captures to be like one-shots in themselves.**

**Do you think this will be eventful? Have suggestions on what should happen while each one is there? Want to tell me how they escape? If you said yes to any of those questions, put it in a review! If you want to tell me off, don't bother.**

**First Capturee: Angel**

**P.S. This is sort of a side-fic, so updates will be slow.  
**


	2. Victim 1: Angel

**Ya. It takes 4 months to write a 1200 word chapter. This is not going to be as epic as I though but anyway, thank you emgem2000 (sorry for the unseen miscredit), Pyro, Frog, FlyingHigh & Myrrth for the reviews and hope I'll be able to be faster next time. So! Onto the chapter thingy!**

I creep up silently to the tree area, net at my ready. At this point, I'm glad it was Iggy's watch. It probably wasn't smart of him to trip on that rock. That must've hurt. At this point, I've decided that Angel is my target, so there is no more trouble on where to set my launcher.

I get ready to press the trigger, excitement clear in the front of my mind. I mean, seriously, I'm about to get my own Flockie. How can you _NOT_ be excited. ...That sounded like something a fangirl would squeal. Not good. Oh well, now is as good as a time as ever to shoot the net, so I do.

I press the trigger and sprint toward under the tree to catch the sack. The net had hit it's target, but it had also woken her up. Fortunately, the bag had muffled the sound of her, making it unknown to the others that she had been taken from the group.

I catch the netted bird-kid before they hit the ground and take her to my bike. As I do, I feel my spine aching from the weight. Hey, even though they're bird-kids does not mean they weigh nothing. Right now, I'm just glad that I didn't pick Iggy; imagine having to bike him home!

Eventually, I get home. When I reach this beloved place, I take Angel out of the bag and explain the situation to her, with barely concealed ecstasy. "Angel, I kidnapped you, so now you get to live with me! Isn't that great?"

Angel looks at me with an uplifted eyebrow. Why is she doing that? Is she not happy that I kidnapped her. At least I can cook… okay, my parents can cook, but still.

Oh yeah, forgot about the whole 'against her will' thing. Oh well, she'll get over it.

Tiredness starts to take over my brain, so I mutter good night to Angel then go upstairs to my bedroom. As I go to sleep, two things cross my mind:

Yay! I actually got a Flockie. I win! I win!

What could go wrong?

A lot. Let me tell you, this was going to be a nightmare.

***Good Night, but now it's morning***

I wake up the next morning and go downstairs. I find that Angel is zonked on the couch.

Happily, I creep past her and make my morning hot chocolate (it's my coffee). After feeling refreshed, I decide to wake her up.

"Psst! Angel, you awake?"

She punches my jaw by reflex and bolts up. She remembers last night and glares at me. I fall back from the glare and say to her, "Hey! Toaster Strudel is in the freezer; you can have the whole box for all I care, but in an hour you're coming to school with me. 'Kay?"

She looks at me like I'm a crazy person, but then she hears the food part and bolts to the freezer. She takes out 4 of the pastries and put them in the toaster (Yes, we have a double one. So?). About five or so minutes later she had snacked on all of them and was ready to go to school.

I get on the bus. Angel notices the lack of students and asks me, "Why is nobody on?"

"Simple. I'm one of the first people on, _and _this is the band bus."

She shrugs and sits down in the same seat as me, obligated to do so. After a 10 minute bus ride we arrive at school. However, _that's_ when the breakfast kicked in. You see, she poured on the frosting and when you mix little kids with lots of sugar… you know what happens.

…This is gonna be a loooong school day.

***Lapse of time, no need to know what happened at school… well, yet***

I am never going to give Angel that much sugar again. Seriously. That was insane. I look at her now and am thrilled to find that she was now calm… and also mischievous. What was she up to? Oh, probably nothing.

I scold her for what she did. Seriously, where did she get all of that whipped cream? And the pelicans… I don't even want to know at this rate.

She seemed gleeful about the situation throughout it all. I think it's because the incident put me under suspension for the next two weeks. Ya, probably. I finished scolding her and noticed that she was doubled over on the floor with laughter, offending me very much so.

I decide that I've taken enough and look around in the fridge for something. At last, I find it and return quickly. I take out my beloved herring. Angel knew what was going to happen next and tripped me and ran out of the house.

"Come back!" I scream, but she doesn't. Immediately that is. She turns around and I suddenly feel a large amount of pain in my head. She then laughs at me and continues to run off.

_Drat, _I think to myself as she runs off. _Well, there goes Angel. How am I suppose to get her now?_

I wait until the pain ebbs before getting up and walking away. When I reach home, my parents finally find out about the suspension. Let's just say they weren't happy. At all.

I get back to my bedroom after a short time and ponder over what went wrong.

***In a place not based on me***

Angel runs back to the Flock and says what just happened. While most are confused, Max finds great worry about this.

She starts up a speech. "Guys, this could be serious. If some random _kid_ is able to catch us, others could catch on. We need to stay on guard for a while, ca pische?"

The others agree. However, none of them were really into the matter as they all just went to sleep, not even choosing who was taking first watch, leaving Max as so without anybody really caring. This was unusual behavior, as they didn't even do a fist stack.

As Max ponders over what has happened, she still doesn't know how that had happened. I mean, it's just a random kid that knows about us. Where did he get the tools to capture them? Also, how was he stupid enough to give Angel the Toaster Strudel?

After a while of wondering about that, she starts to feel sleepy. Apparently, she had wasted 2 hours doing that. She decides she has done her watch and looks for Fang, so she can go to sleep.

***Back to the main focus; we're done filling***

I figure that Angel wasn't the one to capture. There was 6 choices left, and none of them have mind control, so who could I choose.

I once again read over what I had written down last night when they had issued the report. I also rack my brain for their powers, too. And personalities. I mean, Fang is just plain awesome, but he would disappear if I left him unattended too long. Also, my neighbor has a daughter. She obsesses over him waaay too much. I think that if I got him, he'd be gone in an hour if I even got him to come here.

I think about the other ones, too. How could I get them here? How easy would it be to get them. After more consideration I finally come to a conclusion.

"Gazzy."

Well, time to get more herring.

**So ya. Any ideas for anyone are allowed (and yes, I am doing a Fang chapter despite our main character's reasoning against it). So ta-ta and all that!  
**


	3. Victim 2: Gazzy

**Yup. End o' school surprise. Gasps away. Now, drum roll for the reviewers:**

***drum roll* I don't kid.**

**Thanks to:**

**FlyingHigh13 (sure I can't get insurance on it?)**

**Kami and Rose, or Ms. Genius, or whatever your penname is**

**Nighthawk21**

**something creative**

**emgem2000**

**Pyro & Gazzy**

**& Myyrh (I'm going to get it wrong forever, I only got it right this time because I'm constantly referencing to the reviews. Also, I cracked up at that too, now with that information... wooooooooow...)**

**Soooo... enjoy!  
**

I become accustomed to sneaking around the campsite after an hour of doing so, as the Flock hasn't let up their guard. It looks like they are talking. The talking ceases again, as they listen for a minute; I am sure to remember to keep my breaths considerably more shallow then, as I don't want to warn them.

They talk a little more, then bump their fists. I'm glad that I was able to be patient, though I am not sure how. It was probably the thought of owning another Flock member, hopefully with better results than the last time.

I use a beekeepers suit that I borrowed from a friend this time, hopefully helping if Gazzy has something let loose, or if I was discovered and was to be beaten up by the Flock to be used as protection. Shuddering, I let go of the thought. Now isn't the time to be a pessimist.

Sure enough, the entire Flock is asleep, except for maybe Max, it's hard to tell with her. Fang sure did a good description of her in sleep mode. I creep very slowly pass her.

Gazzy was sleep closer to Angel than the night before I note. Allowing myself to get as close as possible, I grab him quickly an stealthily, or at least in my mind. Personally, I'm a mental ninja; take it either way you want. I'm glad Gazzy is in deep sleep mode, otherwise there would have been major trouble in the bones department.

I had forgotten my bike this time round, so I trudge along with a 60-70 pound birdkid on my back. Sheer willpower is helping me move along, as if I know that the potential inside of me is able to do this, though I plan never to do this again.

An hour passes and I make it inside the front door. Planning this time better than last time, hopefully, I also bring him down into the basement with duct tape, just in case he wakes up and becomes bored.

I go to bed in the living room. Before exhaustion overtakes me, I hear nothing. Let's hope it stays that way...

***Magicians got nothing on this line; it can warp time. See? It's morning now.***

I wake up at 10, and sigh in relief that I woke up and hour and a half too late for my mom to scold me for Angel's actions. She never saw the birdkid, so it obviously was my fault she was hyper and did those things of which I will not speak.

Either way, I make some eggs for me and Gazzy, then go to the basement, unlocking the door along the way. He looks up and scowls a little, but nothing too harsh. I give him some eggs and try to talk with him.

"Hello!" I start. He responds quietly.

"How are you?" Still no response.

"Do you like the eggs?" Nothing.

I finally give up and leave, wondering why he was acting like Fang. Only Fang should be like Fang.

I lock the door behind me, then go up to my room for a while; there was Facebooking to be done.

Now why would anyone want to give suspensions as punishment?

***It can also teleport; can your average magician do that?***

Gazzy looks at the eggs and quickly does some calculations. The heat from the eggs could ignite it, but it was a gamble. Of course, the protein in them would also be a good combustion ingredient. "If only he left some Jello; that would have made things a lot easier," he thinks.

He pulls out his makeshift bomb from the items in the basement. Unfortunately, he just can't complete the bomb to perfection, until he sees the clothes bucket, specifically a pair of blue jeans.

He quickly put the eggs into the bomb and started doing some calculations that would've made McGyver proud. He finally set it up and fired.

It misfired. Or, more specifically, didn't fire at all. Gazzy was cautious to approach it, then hit it once with a tin can.

That was what caused it to explode, shaking the house and blowing the door to bits. Gazzy grinned, as he could only imagine the consequences that would have on the main character of which is not named, but will furthermore be referred to as the Kidnapper.

Of course, the Kidnapper comes barreling down the stairs, armed with a herring and silly string. Gazzy snaps, "Why couldn't that have been in the basement." Then he starts dodging around.

***Viola! It even changed your POV! It is unstoppable! Despite that already happening, it can still do it! Huzzah!***

I set the silly string on Gazzy as a forwarning for the herring. I'm pretty ticked about the door, as that will be no doubt blamed on me for it's lack of existance. I throw the herring at Gazzy, who finally decides to run. I'm glad I had forsense to set traps this time as he finds a rope trap at the entrance of the front door.

He uses this time to fill the room with his... "scent."

Oh.

Oh god that's awful.

I almost pass out from it, when he cuts through the rope with a pair of scissors placed conveniently near the trap. I curse my sister, but I focus on maintaining conciousness, so I can be better fit to take him.

He sees the challenge and charges at me. I... need... to... sleep...

I don't see him ever touch me. However, I feel it quite well.

I get up and sigh heavily as I let another one away.

I look at the time and become amazed. I actually was able to keep him for 16 hours. That's 3 more than Angel!

I need to get ready once again, I realize. Mainly because I **want my FNICKING FLOCK MEMBER!**

Hm... maybe I should see someone about anger management. Who knows.

Oh well, that's all for today, as I finally fall asleep... in the living room... center... man, my mom's gonna disown me soon...

***Before I bid Adieu, 1 MORE TELEPORTATION!***

Max was even more shocked this time, as she had actually set up defenses. They weren't even touched.

"Man, that's one lucky kid," Max noted when she glanced at Fang's 'humane' pocketknife trap. The rest of the Flock laughed at this, while Fang looked around suspiciously before dissapearing to add a machete he had taken from a local pawn shop.

The kids did the usual flock stack and instant snoring feat that they normally did, while Max just got increasingly surprised by the rate of dissapearing mutants, and not even by death.

**Hopefully updates will come quicker with summer upon us. Of course, they can't come much slower :P**

**Either way, I'll be putting up a poll of who you guys want me to capture next. Ideas are accepted and... tata.**

**P.S. I'm debating using non-Flockies. I'll get to that later, but keep that in mind... *whistles suspiciously*  
**


	4. Victim 3: Iggy

**Hey guys! I find it really sad that this is my quickest time between updates, and it's 2 months. This is mainly because: I AM A PROCRASTINATOR! Of course, I find it kinda funny that this is also my longest chapter in this short amount of time... Oh well, time to thank the viewers that reviewed this time:**

**Myrrh (THERE! FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT!)**

**Pyro (Gazzy... everyone gets away...)**

**laidyheat**

**something creative**

**and Jujube25**

**Okay... hopefully, I've learned to update faster, but don't count on it, but I promise at least one new chappie within the next month (as long as my poll is used, otherwise, I won't know who to choose)**

**Finally, thanks for the 3 people who used the poll. Iggy was the fan favorite of those 3 and behold, this is his chapter... LET IT COMMENCE!  
**

I take a day off in between my last attempt and my imminent capture of Iggy, as I needed it to wash off the Gasman's special power. It stunk worse than a skunk. An army of skunks wanting nothing more than to be frightened.

If you don't get the picture by now, you have more problems than I do, so congrats!

Anyways, the smell had not gone away yet, so my parents have suddenly become workaholics, giving me plenty of time to get another Flockie and into a routine before my parents have too much problems with it.

I decide Iggy, as I'll finally take the risk and hope I don't die because of it.

A quick ride to the Flock's original placement proved fruitless as they had left it, so I just ride further into it and found them snoozing harder than ever. Yup, that's some smart Flock tactics right there, Max. Congratulations.

However, I notice Iggy in the upright position, as if he's on guard, which means they're still aware of danger. _Oh well, it doesn't mean much, _I think, as I ready my net and tiptoe into a 50 foot range. After that, I became even more cautious and barely moved at all as I became closer and close to the tree. _Com'n… one step… good, now another… great, and another… and ano-_

"Yo!," Iggy calls out, aware of my existence. Once I notice this, I just say to myself, "Screw it," and throw it as hard as I can, hoping for the best. It takes him down immediately with muffled screams from the pyro. I run as fast I can to get him and run courageously as fast as I can to my bike and wagon-

Which is more of a slow trudge. The tallest birdkid is obviously the heaviest, and I'm paying for it right now, like I had previously mentioned in my memoirs of the Angel kidnapping.

I wonder what I'll do with these when I'm finally done and completed them. I mean, I'm sure there's a big market out there for these kinds of stories, but do I really want to sell my soul for a couple bucks?

Then again, I've already captured 2- now 3- people, so I'm probably going to Hell anyways, so I think I'm in the clear for this kind of thing.

After finally making it back to the wagon and putting herculean strength into putting Iggy into the cart, I return home to find a note from my parents saying they're staying at a hotel while they get me fumigated.

I have such loving parents.

After settling down Iggy and putting a shock collar on him, I finally go to bed on the couch.

"Ya know, kidnapping Flock isn't the best way to stay on their good side," says Iggy. I just roll over and sleep, as he's obviously lying.

***Wait… I have fans? I feel so famous!***

I wake up in the morning to find Iggy had started working his magic on my alarm clock, which was now spewing Tik Tok lyrics fittingly. Needless to say, I get out of bed rather than stay and "enjoy" it.

Iggy smirks, "Rise and shine, oh capturer of mine."

I'm starting to like my decision to capture a birdkid, however, I am also very ticked. I keep it in though, mainly because a Flockie is actually being nice to me…ish.

"So," I start. "What's for breakfast?"

Iggy looks at me, then states, "You guys have absolutely no good ingredients for anything I know… unless it's explosive, then I'll gladly make anything."

I facepalm, and just make cereal. I wonder what Iggy is doing and look over to see him picking apart some of my sweaters along with some bleach. I immediately run to the basement. Iggy hears me and states, "don't worry, it's 98% safe. Nothing's going to-"

A loud explosion rings around my bedroom as Iggy restates, "'Scuse me, _95_% percent safe. Whoops. That hardly ever happens."

Iggy can clean it himself; I'm going to take the 5th tomato bath in the past 3 days…

***I would like to thank my mother; she was always there, even when I was a small, young segment…***

After Iggy was done with his mess, we decide to actually do something together. Apparently, his idea is to make a confetti bomb to throw at my neighbors dogs. I agree, mainly because _YES! Iggy wants me to do something with him!_ And, of course, it being a bomb doesn't hurt either.

After 20 or so minutes of preparation, we let the bomb fly into the neighbors yard. However, when it doesn't go off, I peer over the fence to find that the clock hadn't been set.

I reach to turn it on when I tip it over… in my direction. Oh-

CONFETTI!

Luckily, the dog got hit in the blast too, so it's a minor victory. I high five Iggy, and go back to Facebook, leaving Iggy to tinker with the Gameboy.

A short circuit tells me Iggy wasn't having a good day.

Meh, I never liked the old handheld anyways.

However, the day goes on and the accidents still keep happening and happening. Iggy just isn't doing as well as he normally does in the books. I'm sad now. Why must you let me down so, Iggy? Why?

I ask Iggy this. He replies, "Meh, out of practice."

I gawk, and then remember Max was never too fond of the pyrotechnics inventions most of the time. "Next time you meet Max, do tell her that you need more time with bombs."

"Finally! Somebody who agrees with me!"

I then check the time. 8:00 PM, that's cool… Wait… I've had Iggy for 20 hours? I do a little victory dance while Iggy hears the shuffling and wonders what poison I recently swallowed.

Iggy then starts walking away, saying, "Hey! It's been a fun day and all, but it's time I went home. See ya later! I'll be sure to put a good word in for you!"

I stop dancing and reply, "But I want you to stay! Pwease?"

I mimic puppy dog eyes to him.

Iggy just stands there confused, "Uh… what are you doing?"

Facepalm, I now do.

But now is not the time for pity, now is the time for pointlessly trying to stop his escape! …I really need to get on a self-motivational program. Iggy, realizing that I wasn't going to let him leave peacefully, starts running. However, I pull out my shock button for his shock collar and press it!

Nothing happens.

That's right; nothing. Seems the Gameboy short circuit also short circuited the collar. Curse you teenage geniuses…

I shrug and go back to filling up computer space with video games. One gets used to losing Flockies after a while.

In plus, there's still 4 other Flockies.

***…And my text coach, to make sure I don't make crucial typos, he is a lifesaver… Oh right, I have a job to do. TO THE FLOCK!***

Iggy returns to the Flock laughing hard. When questioned, he tells the story of his day, which in turn makes them laugh too.

He then turns to Max and adds, "By the way, he says to gimme my bombs back!"

Max pouts and shakes her head. "The kid's obviously crazy, so his opinion means nothing."

"Oh thanks. So is Gazzy crazy too?"

"Yup."

Gazzy pouts while the Flock laughs.

Max stands up and says, "Okay, as fun as it was to be here for almost a week, it's time for us to fly outta here!" The Flock shakes off and stretches their wings as they say their goodbyes to the trees (and Angel thanking the squirrels for the free nuts and good berry spots).

Gracefully, they fly to the sky… for a good 25 feet or so. Then they gracefully plummet to the ground and gracefully cut themselves on the twigs around them, gracefully swearing like sailors.

"Uh," Fang remarked. "What in Jeb's name just happened here?"

***I don't need a DeLorean to go back in time, take that!***

See, to be completely honest, I didn't take a day off just to get rid of the stink. You see, the Flock were bound to leave soon, so of course, I have to stop them.

So, when they were out practicing their flying or whatever they did to waste time, I drugged their water with about 50 grams of melatonin.

Needless to say, by 8 they were out like lights. I used this opportunity to stick some relaxant into their wings; just enough so they wouldn't be able to fly, yet not be able to notice it was there in the first place.

However, the downside is that the relaxant will only last for another 10 days. That should be plenty of time for me to take one and keep them with me forever! And they shall be my very best friend, and they'll do everything with me, and everyone will be jealous of me, and my Flockie will help me-

Ya, maybe I should go to those therapy lessons…

**There, I hath completed this chappie. Remember to please review saying what you thought of it and/or ideas for future chapters. Also remember to take the poll (I'll get around to removing Iggy, don't worry), and have a great school year (AKA: oxymoron)!**

**P.S. If you wouldn't mind, what do you think about extending this story once the Flock Arc is out of characters to other MR characters? Just a thought...  
**


	5. Victim 4: Fang

**To all of my original viewers of this story that stuck through 'til here: Holy crap, are you guys insane?**

**Also the reviewer wheel for last chapter includes: Pyro, Myrrh and PhantomGirl12. Thanks for the reviews!**

**Now onto the Fang chapter!**

* * *

Wow. I can't believe what I'm about to do. I get my sack ready for capture as I realize my time limit. Figuring that I have around 5 to 10 minutes before Max locates and crams down the homemade cookies made earlier, it's now or never.

_Whoosh_! The net flies and corrals the birdkid. Man, Fang is a deep sleeper! Fang is also lighter than Iggy so bonus! Doesn't mean he's a lightweight as I heave him into the wagon.

"...Those cookies were very well-textured, with the use of both M&Ms _and_ chocolate chips," I hear Max's voice faintly critique, severely surpassing my expectations of her speed eating. "However, people need to cut down on the amount of sugar used in their cookies. I mean, some sweetness is okay, but if I'm getting nuked with powdered sugar, that's over the line."

At least I made the freakin' cookies in the first place; even if only to use as a distraction to take your beloved! You should be grateful.

Good thing I've learned to keep my mouth shut while speeding out of there. No need for any unneeded butt-kickings courtesy of Maximum Ride.

Once I arrive back at my house, the full realization of what I've done finally sets in on me.

I just captured Fang.

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh God no.

Hopefully Fang's fangirl-attraction-pheromone-thingy-or-whatever-it-is hasn't set off. It's hard enough to keep the darn birdkids escaping in the first place, let alone fending off hordes of fangirls.

Well, I'll keep fangirls at bay tomorrow. Right now, I've got to catch some _z's..._

***Long time no read,eh? No? Anyways, here's Max.***

The next morning, Max realized Fang was gone. She hadn't realized the night before because she was high on cookie, one of the worst drugs in America, right behind cocaine, heroin and cake.

Slowly, the rest of the Flock awoke, groggy at best, still miffed about the inability to fly for a couple of days.

"Guess who got captured last night," announced Max, causing the rest of the Flock to count, and consequently laugh.

"5 bucks say he gets away in 8 hours," laughed Iggy.

"Only 5?" replied Total. "Somebody's running low on cash!"

Max sighed, then insisted, "Do you not realize how bad this is?"

"Do you not realize how many of us got away easily?" replied Max's voice, followed by another round of giggles in the Flock, sans Max.

You know, sometimes Max _really_ hated the Flock. She stalked off, feeling rather angsty. She was going to have another make-out session today, too...

***Don't worry Max, this line's not having a make-out session today, either…***

After Fang woke up, I realize that I should make a better impression on him than my previous attempts, not my shining moments. So I just set up food, sit down and keep silent as he awoke and came to the table.

Another part of my plan is to stare him down. You know, tell him who's boss. I put this into action and look at him. Furrowed eyebrows, evils eyes, the works. He just stares right back, not really getting what I'm doing while eating the microwave sausage. Too bad I'm horrible at staring contests, lasting only 13 seconds before bursting out in laughter. Fang still stays quiet, though he's slightly freaked out, as you can tell by the way his t-shirt flexes a little bit from his wings stretching, and the small twitch of his leg. You learn these kind of things after kidnapping 3 birdkids. Maybe after this I should go into Flock whispering.

So much for the "play cool" approach, I guess that means it's time for the friendly approach. "How's it going, Mr. Rock?" I offer.

No reply. He eats another piece of sausage.

"How's life?"

Two sausages downed.

"That sausage must taste good, eh?"

Fang takes a hunk of Eggo instead.

"How's Max, then? I bet she's fine, too."

He flashes a murderous look in my direction. Hooray for bladder control, because I would've wet myself big time from the murder in his eyes. Fang's _definitely _not a morning person.

"I'm going to leave you alone now…" I mumble, walking away.

"Smart," he curtly replies while finishing his third plate.

I guess sometimes giving a birdkid what they want pays off. However, I lock all of the doors leading outside and also barricade them heavily before calling it good and heading upstairs to discuss my luck on MaxDanWiz. Just wait 'til they hear this!

***Transition music, away! …what? This is text only? Fine, then Transition text, away!***

Why do people not believe I have a member of the Flock? It's not _that_ hard to believe that a average, slightly-insane fanboy with no connections or equipment besides a bike, a wagon and a net could capture more than half of the Flock, is it?

People just don't make sense.

I hear a knock on the door. After double-checking that Fang is just sitting on the couch, bored, I take the barricade off the door and let… _her_ in.

_Her._ Natalie. My next-door neighbor. The biggest Fang-irl I know.

"Hey," she starts.

"Uh… hi?" I reply, not really sure of why she was here. Please don't tell me that Fang's female attractant _is _real. That would be bad. Very bad.

"I was just wondering why you weren't at school the past couple days," she started rapidly. "I mean, you look perfectly healthy, so you weren't sick. Were you suspended or something like that?"

"Ya," I answer, though I'm not really paying attention to the flow of words.

"Really? Wow! That isn't like you. Well, what for? Did you get in a fight? Did you back sass a teacher? Did…" She notices Fang and slows down. "Wait. Who's that."

Let the games begin.

Before I can say anything, she squeals in delight. "Oh my God!" she screams, shaking me vigorously in the process. "Oh my God! Omigod, omigod, omigod! That's Fang! Is that really Fang? EEEEEeeeee…" she pushes me to the ground as she streaks towards Fang.

In the half-second before she arrives at Fang, I notice his eyes light up very briefly. Which can only mean one thing.

He has a plan. Or he has a tear in his eye, but probably the former.

What his plan is, I don't think I'll be able to learn as Natalie glomps Fang, smothering him. Good luck getting out of that one Fang, I think as I fade out.

***How does Fang get out of that situation? The answer: You'll never know. Here's Fang.***

It took a bit of effort, and some locked doors, but he was able to keep Natalie at bay. However, her fang-irl freak out gave him an idea.

However, to start, he'd have to swallow his pride and wake up the Kidnapper, which was pretty had considering how hard Natalie hit him.

"Yo!" Fang says, getting the Kidnapper's hazed attention.

"Huhwha?"

"Can I use the computer?" Fang feels so ashamed for his lack of hacking skills.

"Sure," replies the sleep-talking kid. "The password is 'pass4wards'."

"All lowercase?"

"Yup," answers the Kidnapper before falling into slumber once more.

Now it is time for Fang to do something he wished he never had to do as he logged into the computer. Opening the web browser. Then his blog. Logging into his blog. He prepares for the worst as he types his entry:

**You are reading Fang's Blog. Welcome!**

**Date: **Lost track.

**You are visitor number: **184,178,366

What's up everyone? I'm was just chillin' with my flock over here in Vanhugan when I came up with this idea. Don't you want to meet me in person? Well, today is your lucky day! Due to the kindness of a local resident, I be able to meet you _all_!

That's right, fangirls. Come down to 313 Repap St. in Vanhugan, NH. However, you must be there by 6:30. After that, I'm afraid I'll be gone.

Well, what are you waiting for?

**Fly on,**

**Fang**

***Fang… what horror you have brought upon us all…***

It took me fifteen minutes to wake up, mainly because I heard someone knocking from inside my bedroom door. Upon opening it, Natalie bursts out, thanks me for everything, and then leaves. I look to Fang and he shrugs, feigning innocence.

Hours pass without Fang really trying an escape plan, which made warning sirens explode in my head. However, after thwarting a weak escape by Fang, they subside.

Around 5:30 I decide it's time to start dinner , as my parents were on a "business trip" in Vegas for two days. No wonder I have problems.

Then I hear some giggles outside.

_Giggles?_

That is really freakin' creepy when you're pretty much alone (fang was hanging out in the basement), so I make sure my jeans are on. They're securely fastened to my hips, but I hear even more giggling. Time to check outside, so I open the front door…

…and find hundreds of Fang-irls camping on my front lawn.

"Fang's ready!" one of them assumed by my entrance, which confused me. But that didn't matter as much as the stampede of Fang-irls it caused heading to inside, thusly, through me.

_Note: Be glad you didn't say, "Over my dead body." They would've made it happen._

The worst part about this is that they just keep flowing in! My body continues to get trampled on until I hear an, "EEEEE!," signifying that they had found Fang. Also resulting them going even faster through my body as I black out.

About half an hour later the stampede is over and the Fang-irls are gone, giving me the ability to painfully stand and walk around.

But there's no Fang. Big surprise there.

However there's a note left on the table. I pick it up and read:

"_You should read my latest blog post. Thanks for the bed 'n' breakfast._

_. -Fang_"

…I hate that guy so much right now…

***Don't worry, nameless being, I do too. Now, onwards to the mandatory Flock section!***

Fang arrived back at camp, causing Gazzy to cackle in glee, while saying to Iggy, "Pay up, fool!"

Iggy groans, forks over the dough, and whines to Fang, "What took you so long, Fang? You cost me five bucks!"

However, Fang looked severely haunted, causing activity to cease within the camp. Max breaks the silence, asking, "What happened?"

Fang looks at his hands in horror. "I have a terrible power. It should never exist, yet it must for my survival." He then proceeds to crawl next to a tree, assume the fetal position, and incoherently talk about, "fangirls… hordes of fangirls…"

Guess who isn't having any sleep tonight?

* * *

**So, how was it. Just to let you guys know, in the one year break between chapters, exactly 2 of them were actually of writing the chapter, and they were today and two days ago, so inspiration must have a long commute. :P**

**Anyways, vote on the poll on my homepage between who should be next for our main character to kidnap: Total or Nudge. I'm saving Max for last thanks to a viewer suggestion.**

**Other than that, review what you think! If it was good, say so. If it was bad, say why. If it reminded you of that one time that you and your friends did that thing, ya you know that thing... please don't say so.**

**See you soon(ish?)**


	6. Victim 5: Total

**Hello! As usual I'm keeping my biannual update schedule with this coming 7 months after the last chapter. It would've only been 5 months had I not lost my previous work on it, but you know what, I've stopped caring about silly things like that.**

**What I do care about is that this is the longest chapter in this story by far, over 3,000 words in the story alone. I feel accomplished.**

**I also want this story to be finished. I love it with all my heart, and I have a lot of fun writing it, but it's 3 years old and not finished with what, 5 or 6 chapters? Ya ya same rant every chapter, I'll stop now.**

**For those who reviewed since last chapter I give you this shout out: Myrrh (of course), Zoura, phanthom theif kid, MadKatt, and a person who is too lazy to log in.**

**Either way, here's the chappie!**

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I reach the Flock's hideout and stow away the bicycle while pulling out a steak. I've had enough of the birdkids; they're all so mean to me for no reason whatsoever. So this time, Total's the target.

I smirk at my alliteration. 'Twas truly amazing, if I do say so myself.

Looking up from my position, I see Fang has taken watch tonight without an amusing incident to take him out of his post. This makes me frown, as now I have to work a little harder than normal. But that's no problem, as Total is the farthest from the group, on a branch far below Angel's. I sneak around the perimeter of the campsite without a sound due to the fact that I removed my shoes earlier. Another bit o' brilliance coming from yours tru-

Ouch! I silently hold my foot in pain when I step on a thorn bush. Okay, maybe not so brilliant, but at least I still have my stealth…

Silent prayers are made in case I just tempted fate again. A minute passes without exclamation points popping up in the air, letting me release a sigh of relief. Now that I'm in position I pull out my secret weapon in this scheme: a pocket fan.

I do the obvious plan by placing the steak in front of the fan and pressing the power button. Instantly scent tracks begin to waft from the lukewarm steak towards the pup. His nose is twitching. Yes; my plan is unfolding quite beautifully! Total suddenly jerks into motion, walking towards me. Fang looks over but is apparently unsuspecting, as he stays on the lookout for non-doggie related movements.

The dog comes within ten feet of me and stops. I turn off the fan; all it's doing now is making extra noise anyways. Total takes a deep whiff of the steak, causing me to smile. My plan is going _perfectly_, I silently sing to myself.

He then opens his mouth, saying, "Excuse me, waiter. I have a complaint about my steak, being that it _sucks._"

Oh great; he's sleeping. Even worse, he's dreaming of restaurants. Hopefully, though, I can use this to my advantage, but how…

Total practically screams, "I demand to see the head chef at once about this travesty!"

Bingo. I also notice how the Flock is immune to his voice in their sleep. Interesting.

But that is of no importance, I'm capturing the sleep-talking pup, not discussing the mental state of justice-fighting birdkids. Maybe some other time.

"Of course," I say as quietly as possible, trying to play along. "Right this way, Total." I think of putting him in the basket, but I don't think that would fit in well with his dream. With my luck, he'd start wailing about not wanting to be the main course. So I just let him walk beside me. Which took forever, let me tell you. You don't know slow until you have to steal a sleepwalking dog by walking beside it for a couple miles. Which also means I'm the only person in the world who knows the true meaning of slow.

I feel so special right now.

A quarter mile later, Total decides to yap again, "Okay, why are we taking so long to get to the kitchen? Sure I took my time talking to those rather fine ladies over there, but that is no excuse."

Hm… shouldn't be too hard for me to talk my way out of this. "Sir," always a good place to start. "As you surely know, the VIP section of this restaurant is the furthest from the kitchen." That should suffice.

The Scottie sighs. "To think that restaurants like this are still in business make me have even less hope for humanity."

I remind myself to _never_ become a waiter. "Whatever you say, sir." I struggle not to snap his neck then and there, as dead puppies aren't much fun, especially _famous_ dead puppies.

Am I far enough from the Flock yet? I facepalm as I realize that I'm more than a quarter mile away from the Flock; even if Iggy was keeping watch for the Flock he couldn't hear me. An evil grin forms upon my face, the first in this mission. No wonder it's going so poorly; I haven't gone into evil mode _once_. Thank you, terrorizing talking terrier Total.

Hey, that was some good alliteration there, too! Bet I'd make a good poet- wait, why am I talking about this in the middle of a capture?

Total's ranting brings me back to Earth as he goes on about the poor service, the poor atmosphere, and how poor the owners would be once he was done with this place. Time to crack!

"Okay, doggie, time to speed things up a bit."

Total scoffs, once again surprising me about his sleepliving capabilities, "Finally, I was getting worried you didn't even know what restaurant you're in."

I pick the terrier up and place him in the basket, causing him to become even angrier, spitting, "Hey! Quit treating me like some dog, you beastist!"

…

…There are so many things wrong with the previous statement I don't find it necessary to point them out. Although now I realize why the Flock was so far away from his branch; he's freaky when asleep. Let's hope he's better awake, shall we?

I ignore him to the best of my ability as he continues his verbal rampage. "It's because of people like you that there is no progress in interspecies relations." I start to pedal. "If you don't like us, then imagine a world without any animals in it. No meat, no flowers, no…" The wind picks up, causing Total to succumb to his basic doggie-senses. "Oooh yeah, this is good."

I still can't believe this is his subconscious, but I don't feel like being repetitive, so I'll stop mentioning the fact, despite that I just did. Deal with it.

Either way, Total finally ceases to complain as he is far too busy flapping his tongue into the wind. When we finally reach my house, the dog is finally in full sleep mode, this time with less food critic.

It is now that I realize how stressful it was just to get the pup, more so than any of the birdkids. Maybe it will be more stress, more reward, then!

I try to fool myself that this will be the case as I saunter off to bed, thoughts of a critical Total terrorizing my mind.

***Arf arf! Yip gr yip woof! Pant pant pant. (Hello! In honor of Total's kidnapping the transitions will be bilingual with both English and Dog. Enjoy!)***

"Cheers!" announces the Flock, soda cans clinking in the air. Faces of joy are seen on every face as they celebrate.

"He finally took the dumb dog!" Iggy exclaims.

Max admits, "I thought nobody was that stupid," while laughing.

Gazzy adds in, "I guess he surpasses our expectations once again!"

Once again laughs are heard throughout the forest, as they continue to party.

Nudge begins to speak, "Now that there's no Total, there's no more complaining! No need for more culture, or for more gourmet food. No more complaints about long flights, no more yapping about missing Akila 5 minutes after visiting her, no more- well, Total!"

As cheers erupt from the Flock once again, it is safe to say that they won't be missing the Scottie for a long while.

***Grrr, bark bark. Ruff ruff whine. Whine yip whine. (Ugh; stupid Flock. Not caring about poor Total? How selfish! Anyways, back to the house.)***

A whine wakes me up when I see Total sitting beside my bed. I groan, as it's too early in the morning for me to deal with mutant dogs, that's _after_ 10:30.

Total doesn't seem to get this memo as he says, "Excuse me, but I don't see any food laid out for me. This error should be corrected immediately, thank you very much!"

I roll off my bed and shuffle downstairs. Seeing a bag of pet food conveniently placed makes me thank whatever god was watching over me. I happily pour the food into a bowl and set it down in front of Total.

He takes a cautious sniff at the kibble then looks at the bag. He then turns to me, a devil's stare blanketing his face. "You dare try to feed me dry food? Even worse, it's dry _cat_ food! It's like you're trying to poison me!"

Ooohh… I forgot that we had cats… speaking of which, where have they been all this time? They're normally quite friendly. I guess they got scared off by Angel's freaky mind powers and haven't come back since. If not, oh well, they aren't too important anyways.

"…and of course, you had to get the salmon flavored cat food, the worst of the fishes in the sea!," Total fades in after I stop focusing on the two missing kitties and back on the dog ranting infinitely about the horrors of salmon flavored cat food. "This is barely edible for a cat, let alone a highly sophisticated pooch like me! I demand a steak at once to apologize for this heinous act!"

"No!" I quickly reply, not wanting to face the steak fiasco again now that he's awake. Anything but that… well, mostly anything.

Total huffs, "Fine, then chicken cordon bleu!"

"Cordon bl-eh?"

He sighs, "You poor, poor, uneducated child. I never thought a person like you could possibly exist in a world like this, not knowing something as simple as chicken cordon bleu. Yet here you are, living proof against that. Then again, I shouldn't be too surprised, considering the Flock exists, this isn't too surprising."

I lift an eyebrow. "So says the talking dog."

"Irrelevant! Besides, this is about _you_ making _me_ food, don't change the subject!"

I sweatdrop. "But I didn't change the sub-"

"Irrelevant once again!" Total interjects, his chest filled with pride as I roll my eyes, preparing for a ham speech. "In this world, there are two kinds of people. One is the people doing their own humdrum thing in their own boring lives, doing nothing important day in and day out until the day they die. I despise those people very so much. However, the second group of people is much better, you see, because that group of people, is _me._"

Facepalming occurs. And here I was think that he might actually say something profound. But again, he is Total.

However, after that, I have no ability to argue with the mutt, so I throw my hands up in surrender, saying, "Fine, you win. I'll make a steak. Just don't expect it to be any good."

Total hmmpfs. "That's more like it. Now cook! Cook like the master fry cook you're destined to be at some McDonalds in the world. GO FORTH AND CREATE MEDIOCRATY!"

Well, I can safely say that my future isn't looking too bright.

***Pant whine, bark ruff bark. Err… yip yip pant! (Heheh, the kidnapper's being controlled by the kidnapped this time. Uh… this should be funny!)***

By the time it's one in the afternoon, Total is still lounging around ranting about various things, among which there is my total (heh, heh, total… I'll shut up now) lack of cooking prowess, my inability to scratch the exact location of his itch, how much he misses Akila, him needing me to go bring him a quality private chef… honestly, I don't think Total knows the difference between getting kidnapped and being adopted by a worshipping servant.

"Ahem! Where is my filet mingnon?" Total shouts at me, despite knowing fully well that I can't cook filet regular-beef-cut. I'm long over this bird-mutt-thing. While the others were trying to escape me, at least I wasn't just a butler to them. They even pretended to be nice to me every now and then! So now that that's that, I need to find a way to get Total back to where he was. But how…

"Dang it, kid! If you're crazy enough to capture a bunch of birdkids you're crazy enough to cook that dish!"

Oh that's it. He didn't even make it slightly humorous.

I go to the basement and find a box, which is pretty easy considering the basement is littered with them. With a knife from the kitchen, I cut some breathing holes into aforementioned box.

As I walk up the stairs, I notice some duct tape lying around and instinctively pick it up, obviously needing it due to the fact that I have none on me at this very moment. That moment is one of the biggest failures of my life because of that reason.

When I reach the top of the stairs, Total is waiting, again telling me off for the food I am unable to cook and am not currently ruining for him at this very second. Now how do I capitalize on this situation. I must always look like a total badass, else I be a failure to all.

After short deliberation I settle on calmly saying, "Shut up," and stuffing him into the box.

…Yeah I'm no Samuel L. Jackson. I don't care, either. I'm just finally rid of that stupid mutt.

Using the just obtained duct tape to seal the top of the box and prevent him from escaping, I think about nothing in particular. I can only be so interesting, ya know; you'll just have to deal with a boring kid who boringly captures boring birdkids. How boring.

But with Total in his living-friendly box, I set off to undo this horrible thing I have cursed myself with. I put the box in the basket of the bicycle and set off back to the forest.

***Arww. Scratch scratch howl. Arw arw bark. (So sad. Guess it's time to go back to the Flock)***

The Flock did not arrive back at their roost for quite a while. While the Kidnapper (or Dognapper I guess this time) was being tortured by the vicious dog, Max decided to treat the Flock to a shopping spree of the local area thanks to her Max Card to celebrate the loss of their awfully annoying canine-American friend.

When they arrive back at the base, all spirits are quite high as they talk loudly to each other, Iggy toting an iHome like a boombox playing the Taylor Twins greatest hits as background music for the conversations.

Then Gazzy notices a box in the middle of the camp. A box with holes. "No, he didn't," he whispers horrified. "He couldn't have…"

Iggy obliviously asks, "Yo, Gasman, Gazzy, what's the problem?," to which Gazzy only replies with a finger pointed at the box and the word, "Look."

Everyone stops and looks, leaving silence around for the Taylor Twins' "Elevate Your Flasks" as they realize what has happened…

Except for Iggy. Without the ability to see, he was left hovering completely clueless, asking, "Seriously guys, what goin- oh dear this isn't good at all." Angel had finally sent him the picture, causing him to pause the iHome.

"No…" Max gasps.

"It can't be…" Fang agrees.

Angel sighs, "Oh com'n everyone! Total really isn't that bad. Wait, what's he thinking." Her eyes suddenly grow very wide and her voice very faint. "Max… hold me."

And so the Flock slowly descend into the campsite. After cautiously looking at each other for eternities, Max finally musters the courage to rip open the top.

Total wastes no time in noticing the box being opened and starts berating the Flock for taking so long.

The Flock sight as they listen to the ever repeating rants of a riled up Scottie.

I guess you could say the moral of the story is to never count your lost mutts before you leave, _especially_ if they're Total.

***Pant pant, wag. Yawn bark bark- woof? Bark? BARK? Arw… (Well, that's all today. So ends the Total arc. Wait; there's more? About the cats? Give me a break...)***

"So… are we there, yet?," meows a cat known as Comet to his all-black companion, Coal.

"Do you see any giant birds here?," sighs Coal in reply to the black cat with a white streak on his belly. "No, we aren't."

The two cats are walking around Vanhugan in the general direction that their owner has always been biking off to recently. Why are they so interested, you say? Well, for some reason, the owner always returns with a giant bird in tow. Granted, they looked like humans, but their smell completely gave them away.

When the first bird arrived at the house, the two cats were curious of it, but a voice in their heads had convinced them otherwise in attacking the giant bird. However, when a second bird arrived in lieu of the first, Comet and Coal began to investigate the matter. What they had found was that every few nights their owner would leave with a wagon and a net on his bike and come back with one of those birds.

So following their hunting instincts, they now prowl the suburban area of Vanhugan. Unfortunately, they were well out of touch with their hunting instinct due to their cushy lifestyle.

Comet, always the scaredy-cat of the two, was now adamant about going back since they were not magically in the presence of the giant birds. "C'mon, if we go back now, we can follow the Owner even better tomorrow!"

Of course, Coal being the stubborn one, hisses, "Fool! If we turn back now, we will have lost our biggest lead this week! We'd be worth nothing more than the mice we're too lazy to catch!"

The streaked cat's ears sag. "Well… if you put it that way I suppose- wait, look!"

The felines turn to see their owner returning from the woods after getting rid of Total. "Aha!," purrs Total. "So the birds hide in the forest!"

Comet rolls on his back, spacing out, which he does whenever he is near human company. "Amazing. Now somebody pet my belly so I can catch your pathetic fingers in my cunning trap!"

Coal gives a vicious glare to the cat rolling on the empty road, remarking, "You're completely useless sometimes, you know that?"

"Somebody pet me, dammit!"

A sigh is heard from Coal as he struts over to the forest. They had a lot of ground to cover if they wanted to feast on giant bird, and Comet wasn't going to be of any help for a _looong _while…

* * *

**And there's the chappie! I hope you enjoyed.**

**If you're wondering why I put in the cat bit (which you weren't, but now you are, unless you're not just to spite this parenthetical message), it's because Comet and Coal _are_ my cats, and in between these last 2 updates, Comet died of urinary tract blockage or something like that. I had to include them somehow. So here's to Comet, the attention-hogging cat that was very lovable.**

**Now forget that above paragraph entirely. It has served it's purpose.**

**Now, what'd you think of this chapter? Was it up to par with the humor from the previous kidnappings? What were you're favorite parts? What needs to be improved? Let me know please, and I hope you stick around for the next chapter, which will hopefully be within a month from today.**

**Yeah, like that's ever stopped it from being 4 months late. :P Happy Readings!**


	7. Victim 6: Nudge

**Hey, all. It's once again time for Flock Hunting, this time with a less than two-month wait! Not really something to be advertising, but I'm proud of it, considering how long it normally takes...**

**Now onto the reviews for last chapter. Thank you to: PhantomGirl12**

**...Eh, I'm surprised I even got that, so thanks a bunch! :D**

**Anyways, no need to keep writing, there's a chapter you want to read. Enjoy!**

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It's time once again to catch a birdkid Emphasis on _kid_, as Total's capture was a total failure… just like that pun. But now's not the time to worry about such things, as I'm standing outside of the Flock's hideyhole. I ready myself to capture Nudge, but I'm forced to wait, as a certain event hasn't happened yet.

Then, finally, Max starts to stretch and bumps Fang with her wing, waking him up. After a sickeningly cute conversation, they fly off together, leaving the rest of the Flock completely undefended from stray nets that may or may not be launched from my net launcher. It would be such a shame if that happens, wouldn't it.

Enough of the joking around; it's time to catch a birdkid. I aim at Nudge and, with unfailing accuracy as always, knock her to the ground in a convenient bundle. I go in and grab the birdkid, then carry her over to the wagon, quite happy with my newly developed muscles. Birdnapping: a great workout for those who don't know.

As I leave the area, I notice some flashes of black in the foliage, confusing me, considering that the foliage looked black to me anyways. So I just shrug it off, as it's just my mind playing tricks on me again; I'll just have to get it back later.

The ride home is uneventful, as it should be when you're carrying an unconscious birdkid through the dead of the night back to your house. No need for the extra distractions, just the peace and quiet of your bicycle transporting a winged person to your home.

Pure bliss.

...Don't question me; you're not the one who is able to capture 6 out of 7 of the Flock members in less than two weeks. You have no room to judge.

In plus, I'm already in my driveway. As I pick up the birdkid and go to put her on the couch, I think about what I can do differently. I've tried being nice, being mean, listening to their demands, not listening to their demands, being friends and being enemies. All failures. So I guess winging it remains the best option. Not like I was going to make a strategy this time, anyways. Just trying to reinforce my ideas. In plus, that requires effort someone this tired doesn't have...

-No Flock this time, I'm sorry to say. They don't like me very much due to my allegiance with the Kidnapper. Darn shame, really; we could've been friends. Oh well; back to his place I guess-

I wake up and am glad to find that Nudge is still sleeping. This gives me time to get food prepared for myself as well as find earplugs for later use. After eating Brand Nam-e-o's cereal and obtaining the earplugs, I walk into the living room and poke the sleeping birdkid, to no effect. I try a harder poke, also to no avail.

Rather than test my luck a third time against her waking reflexes, I pull out an airhorn and press the big red button. While nearly shattering my own eardrums, as I _forgot to put the fnicking earplugs in_, it just barely wakes the dreary-eyed Nudge. She rubs her eyes and mutters, "No need to scream..." as she attempts to sit up straight on the couch she's placed on.

I guess this is the rumored "safe zone" that Max talked about, a three-minute window where Nudge is quiet. I have to take advantage of this opportunity to assert control of the situation, else I be drowned out by her wall of words that will no doubt be emitting from her mouth soon. This will be trick

"Uh...," Nudge interrupts my train of thought. "Do you always monologue out loud?"

Crap; that was out loud? I guess after so many internal monologues, one of them was bound to escape my lips. Oh well; it happens to the best of 'em.

"Well," I shrug. "Now you know my intentions, so I might as well make it clearer. This is my house. You are my kidnapped birdkid. Act like that and we'll get along just fine, okay?"

"O...kay then," Nudge answers, then asks, "But how does a captured birdkid act? Like we're in the School? Or like those damsels in distress in old movies?"

"I... honestly don't know..." I can't believe I haven't thought of this yet. You'd think it'd be one of the key things to establish if you're doing these things, but whatever. This is my chance to tell a birdkid how to act; no way I'm missing this opportunity. "I'd go with more of a butler standpoint. You do what I say, and I give you food and shelter."

"You sure? It really doesn't sound like it fits the whole 'captured' thing."

"Nah, it fits just fine." I think a minute. "Then again, it didn't really work with the others, so I guess you can try just being an observer for now."

She yawns. "Good enough. Now that we've figured that out: food."

I forgot I had to feed the captives. Oh well, she isn't Total, so cereal will once again suffice for the meal. At least some normalcy has been placed.

...Well, relative normalcy.

-There is nothing interesting happening for the duration this line break covers. Absolutely nothing is happening; I swear. I'm an honest line break.-

Absolutely nothing of interest happened during breakfast, in all honesty. Perhaps that was the interesting thing, but nothing else.

…Is anyone else experiencing serious déjà vu right now? No? It's just me? 'Kay.

Nudge, now filled with Brand Nam-e-o's, begins to talk. And talk. And talk. "So this whole kidnapping thing makes me think about that time a couple years ago when Iggy caught a rabbit out in the woods and wanted to start training it because he could and since he caught the rabbit it was rightfully his and things like that, kind of like what I think you were thinking with the whole 'capture birdkid, own birdkid' thing now, which is sad and stuff. Anyways, he was using a bunch of carrots to promote doing cute tricks when Jeb came in and informed Iggy that associating failure with pain was much more successful than success with carrots. And then Jeb started to poke the bunny with a needle every time it didn't do the tricks correctly, and laughed when the bunny began to do the tricks, which scared everyone a little bit." She pauses briefly, then adds, "You know, now that I think about it, I don't get why we were so surprised when Jeb ended up still working for the School."

I have long since stopped listening, though props to you for hearing through all of that very small piece of dialogue. Just multiply that section by, oh, I'd say about fifteen to twenty times and you'd have the total amount of audio input excreting from her mouth at this moment. That is both quite impressive and painful at the same time.

When I feel something wet begin to fill my ears, though, I think two things. One, _I forgot to put my earplugs in __**again**__!_, And two, _Holy crap my ears are bleeding!_

My surprised screams suddenly silence her, as I rush to get the paper towels, yelling, "My ears are actually bleeding? How does this even happen? I thought that saying was hyperbolic, not something that could happen to me! What have you done, Nudge? **What have you done?**"

Nudge thinks for a second, then answers, "Well, I talked. Is that what you were looking for?"

I facepalm, which shakes some of the blood pooling in my ears down the sides of my neck. That feels soo gross, in case you didn't want to know.

As I continue to run around, searching for absorbent paper products, the blood now flows over my ears, beginning to drip on the floor- in the least macabre way possible (hey, this _is_ a K+ story). Nudge takes the opportunity to ask a couple of questions. "So, head wounds bleed a lot, right?"

"You couldn't tell?" _Now where are the fnickin' paper towels?_ I appear to not have any, so I rush to the bathroom to get some toilet paper.

"And you've been bleeding for quite a while, yes?"

"Correct, Captain Obvious." Dang it, just a cardboard tube of a roll remains. _Of all the times to run out of toilet paper, it has to be now…_ I hurry to find a tissue box.

"Well," Nudge finishes. "Don't people lose consciousness after they lose too much blood?"

…Crap.

All of a sudden, my vision starts to darken. I finally locate some tissues, but before I can reach them I collapse and become even less coherent. The last thing I think before I black out is, _She just __**had**__ to mention that…_

-It seems that the Kidnapper fell victim to the Comedic Law of Applied Theories, which states "Real world laws only come into play if noticed by the person breaking said laws." Well played, Nudge. Well played.-

I wake up and am honestly confused, but relieved by the fact that Nudge is still here. Granted, she's hanging upside-down in the doorway, but that just means that my traps are working sufficiently.

I'm also glad to find that tissues have finally found their way into my ears, which have now stopped flowing red liquids. Since I was down for the count, the way for them to get there would be if Nudge put them in.

I gasp, "Birdkids _do_ have hearts."

Nudge rolls her eyes, "We are 98% human. Consider yourself lucky you're not a whitecoat. Otherwise there would be a bigger pool of blood than the one you made a couple minutes ago. You'd be deader than a fish in the Sahara Desert, if a bird had picked it up in the Atlantic and decided to Migrate over to Egypt and dropped its lunch along the way…"

I finally remember to put in my earplugs as her death threats continue. They feel weird due to all of the dried blood in my ears, but they were doing the job of blocking out most all of the noise. Eventually she gets off the metaphor of the twice-dead fish in the Sahara Desert hundreds of miles away from all oases that might have given it a milliliter of moisture and onto something that I couldn't quite make out, or in all honesty care to; I put the earplugs in for a reason.

After setting up another trap ahead of Nudge and then releasing her from the one she was in, everything comes to a lull. Nudge's muffled chatter lays background for me to wonder why said lull exists. There's almost never lulls in my captures, the only other one being when Fang did that… horrible plan. I highly doubt is up to anything like that, considering her lack of fanboys and fangirls.

"Uh…" Nudge suddenly says, unnoticed.

But if not for evil scheming, then why this inaction? Perhaps it's because of her power set? I guess that's plausible, considering her lack of any useful powers. Then again, Gazzy doesn't have any either, yet he was a barrel of fun with that exploding door and all. But I guess that's part of his engineering skills. Then what skills does Nudge have? None, as far as I can remember. Maybe with computers, but nothing else.

"Mr. Flock-kidnapper-person-guy?"

Still, I can't help but feel it goes deeper than that. Maybe it's just because Nudge is just a boring person at heart. I mean, who _asks_ to be normal? In plus, boring people are infamous for making lulls.

"Hey!" Nudge yells, gaining my attention.

"What?" I answer.

"You're monologing out loud again…"

…Have I been doing this throughout the whole adventure?

"I'd assume yes," Nudge replies. "Considering you're still doing it. But that's beside the point. You just made a long speech about me being boring, eh?" She laughs then gives a demonic grin I doubt an Eraser could match. "Well, I guess it's time to liven things up."

She runs upstairs and I struggle to keep up, which means that by the time I make it to my room, I make it just in time to see Nudge wave a magnetic hand over my hard drive. My precious hard drive filled with my online life. I might as well be dead now.

Not that Nudge is mourning the loss. I follow as she once again bolts down the stairs, picks up a broom and uses it to set off the trap in front of her.

This just isn't my day, is it?

As Nudge runs off into the distance she yells back to the house, "How is that for boring, huh? You obviously don't know boring. You could be standing in front of a flaming alien with a chicken head and spaceships for feet and still call it boring! It'd also be shooting gamma rays out of every rattlesnake finger it had, while having it's heart beat on the outside and you'd still go 'meh'! That's how much you know about boring. In plus…"

Needless to say, all of my neighbors were quite confused. But they were normally confused, so that's really not a big-

Wait, are my ears bleeding again?

Give me a break already, universe…

-Finally was able to schedule in an appearance from the Flock. They're being so babyish about this whole thing; I'm not the one capturing them.-

Everyone could hear Nudge coming three minutes out, so it's no surprise when she bursts into the camp, still chattering some topic nobody bothers to decipher. As she sits down, Gazzy notices some blood on Nudge's shoe, which he points out to his sister. This observation then makes its way around all of the Flock.

The little boy then awkwardly points out to Nudge, "Uh… Nudge? You've got something on you shoe there."

Nudge looks down and replies, "I guess I do! Must've accidently stepped in the giant blood puddle while I was leaving."

Not one eye in the camp isn't bugging out, sans Nudge's, who is oblivious to their freaked-outedness. _Did she really…?,_ Is the Flock's thoughts on this development that appears to have happened.

Iggy starts, "I know that none of us really liked the guy that much…"

"And I can see how that might have led to… this…" Angel continues.

Fang finishes, "But did you really…?"

Nudge was still clueless. "Did I… what. Specify; clue me in. Give a ques-"

"Did you really kill the guy?"

Nudge gives a hearty laugh, creeping out everyone even more, then says, "Wait, you were serious? No, of course not. I don't kill normal people, no matter how loosely that term may or may not apply."

The Flock let out a unison sigh, glad to not have a murderous twelve-year-old in their midst. With that everyone begins to settle once again, and quickly thereafter go to bed. Before they do though, Nudge asks, "Do you guys think I'm boring."

Max laughs and reassures, "Itex would become good before you become boring, Nudge."

"Okay, just checking," she says, relieved as she goes to sleep, closely followed by everyone else besides the oldest two. Fang because he's on watch and Max…

"You're literally staying up all night?" Fang asks.

Max nods. "I'm the last Flock member uncaptured. So obviously he's coming for me now. Gotta be prepared, always be alert, never be able to be snuck up on."

"You need a new hobby," Fang sighs as he goes back to his watch.

Max inspects the surroundings, then asks Fang, "Whatever happened to that knife trap you made a week ago?"

"You made me burn the rope and return the knives to their rightful owners."

She snaps her fingers, muttering, "Darn it, that could've been useful…"

Fang shudders, hoping that the Kidnapper would just take Max before she goes too crazy. The crazed laughter coming from her direction only made Fang more fearful.

-Uh… let's ignore that… Please, cut to anything, anything!... Cats? Perfect; go go cats!-

"It has taken hours on end to find this place. Honing our senses to find every stray piece of evidence that could lead to their position, every snapped leaf on the ground where a footstep may have been inspected, every branch looked on and shortly thereafter continuing the search on the upper branches for a couple hours due to the inability to get down for… indisclosable reasons. All of that culminates to this moment. The moment where we find the giant birds' nest. The moment in which we sack the biggest kill of our lives. The moment where we-"

"Hey Cole?" Comet interjects. "Why are ya talking so much?"

Cole hisses in reply, "For dramatic tension, you furball! We are right outside the base of six giant birds and their canine defender. You don't charge in there without rhyme or reason; you have to raise the morale and interest, make this sound like the biggest thing you'll ever be involved in, because it _is the biggest thing you'll ever be involved in_."

"Okay, okay. I got it, I got it. No need for the big speech, bro."

"But I just explained _why_ there was the big speech," Cole groans, ears laid back.

Comet purrs somehow condescendingly, "And you did a good job of it, too."

"Why am I still travelling with you…"

"Family obligation!" Comet heartily replies. "So, when do we pounce."

The all-black cat lies down, his eyes glaring at the bird camp. "When the opportunity arises, we shall strike. Now go be useful and catch some rats."

Comet questions, "Why not now? They're sleeping, and looking rather yummy at that."

"Because they outnumber us, outsize us, out strength us and, with your intelligence in mind, outsmart us, too. We have to isolate them from each other so that we can easily pick them as claw sharpeners. If we just attack straight into them, we'd just be bird food."

"But that's no fuuun," Comet complains, but a tail whip to his nose reminds him of his duty. So the kitty trots off to find some tasty rat to fling up and down in the air, because Comet knew that if the food wasn't fun, it wasn't tasty.

And so the day ended, with cat and bird waiting for the final showdown, and the kid… well, what was the kid doing?

-You seriously need to change locations this close to the end? Whatever, suit yourself.-

I wash my clothes, as they were getting dirty.

-…No seriously, that's it. Now go, the chapter's over.-

* * *

**...That's still the end of the chapter, no matter how long you wait. Either way, thanks for reading, review what you thought of the chapter, whether it was good, bad, or as boring as Nudge.**

**Also, ALERT: This story has bonus content on my DeviantART account. Yes, this is blatant shameless plugging, but I'm trying to use that account to deepen the experience for these stories. Granted, with this one, there's not really anything major to the plot, but if you're interested in seeing what the chicken-headed alien Nudge described looks like, I'd suggest checking it out under the username 'cjpolodo'.**

**And with that, I bid adieu. Thanks for reading! :D**


	8. Victim 7: Max

**...I have never written so much in my life.**

**You see, I've had trouble finishing from where I left off last time, so I changed what I put there. The next 3 hours of my life added 4,000 more words to the chapter. Which makes this a 5k+ chappie.**

**...I need a life.**

**Don't worry, it's all up to standards and probably some of my better writing, but you might wanna grab a seat and get some popcorn.**

**Anyways, thanks to the people who reviewed last chapter, who are as follows: PhantomGirl12 and oOEPICMoOoSEOo. Thankies very much to the two of you.**

**Anyways, here's the last Victim of the Kidnapper. Enjoy!**

* * *

The last capture is here after I take a day of rest. After all the stress of the last couple captures, as well as my parents mailing me a "Greetings from Cancun" postcard saying that they're using my college fund to extend their vacation into a week-long cruise, it's nice to take a break. But that was a really fun yesterday, and this is a very tense right the heck now.

I sneak into the woods, and immediately run into a rope trap, which lifts me up by my foot. That's weird; I've never had problems with Flock traps before. Luckily, I have no problem getting out of Flock traps, either, as I climb the rope up the tree and untying it up there. Perhaps the Flock has finally stepped up their game. Or perhaps they just got lucky.

I climb down and immediately duck as a knife swing passes over me. Yup, they've definitely stepped up their game. Good thing mine continues to be far better than their ever will be.

The knife comes back and cuts my shirt as I get up, scaring me. Okay, stop internally gloating; it's not working out for you.

Minutes are spent working around the now booby-trap filled trail, somehow stuffed with more traps than an Indiana Jones movie. It surprises me that they had enough time to set up all these things; maybe taking the day off was a bad idea. But eventually the traps stop coming and the clearing is barely within sight. I release a sigh of release and dodge a surprise bear trap while equipping my net launcher.

Finally, I'm able to get into the campsite…

But there's no Flock there.

Only an empty clearing.

Seriously? A forest filled with traps successfully navigated only to come to no Flock reward at the end? Geezum, what else could go wrong.

A shadow appears in front of the moon, somersaulting in the air landing in a fighting stance, revealing its self to be Max. She growls, "I see that you've gotten past all of those traps. I guess you're more than just some random kid after all."

I shiver. "You're a lot less scary in the books."

"Well of course I'm going to look crazy; I've spent the past 48 hours setting up traps."

I gawk. "You mean the Flock didn't help you?"

Max grumbles, "Nah, they chickened out and went deeper into the woods."

More incredulous looks are sent in her direction, causing her to snap, "Are we here to talk about the Flock or are we here to fight tooth and nail for the sake of my freedom or your health?"

"Well," I answer. "Presented with those two options, I'd actually prefer talking about the-"

"Too bad; fight time!"

The teenage girl launches herself at me, causing me to jump out the heck out of the way. She recovers from her opening attack rather quickly and slides towards me. I jump for dear life, far more athletic than I ever was in gym. You know, if our gym teacher added manic fights against birdkids to our curriculum, I'd would be in a lot better shape. I mean, it's either a 6 pack or 6 broken ribs.

But, despite all of my dodging, Max starts to hone in on my movements. I need to change my tactics or do something soon. Otherwise, I'll be at the mercy of Max, which, I duck under a heavy hook, isn't looking too merciful.

As I get backed out of the clearing and into the trunk of a tree, I ask the universe to give me a break. _Com'n,_ I plead. _I've been your punching bag for a while now, so can you cut me some slack before I become Max's punching bag as well?_

With this plea in mind, I ready my net launcher, aim at Max, close my eyes, hope for the best, and fire. And now there's silence. I open my eyes.

The net launcher missed completely.

The only thing I managed to accomplish was to find a way to get Max even more ticked. As I duck under a head kick, I can't help but feel a little disappointed. That trick normally works for everyone, even people with terrible luck. Guess I must've done something to really tick off existence recently. Perhaps it was kidnapping a bunch of live humans? …Nah, that can't be it.

Now I'm curled up at the bottom of a tree. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no way to negotiate. I suppose now would be a good time to black out.

Max smirks. "You know, I thought you were supposed to be this huge challenge, but I guess you really are just a normal kid. Doesn't matter, I'm going to enjoy this either way." She raises her fist for the last time. "Have fu-"

A meow emits from the bushes, sounding oddly like a battle cry, and a black streak emerges from the bushes, accompanied with a black and white streak, launching themselves like rockets at Max.

Wait, what are my cats doing here?

Cole jumps onto Max's leg and digs in his claws while Comet hisses and gingerly claws at the air in front of the birdkid. Needless to say, she is not amused. I never heard someone scream so loudly before. I have to stifle my laughter as Max wildly flings her leg around with Cole hanging on with a vengeance. In plus, this is my chance, so now would be a good time to stand up.

Max finally kicks off Cole, and giving a mean stare at Comet makes him scamper off. She finally turns back to me, except for now I have the net launcher trained on her. The trigger is pushed. She has no chance for escape.

Standing over the bag, I gloat, "Checkmate."

A muffled voice replies, "If you're trying to be cool, it'd have been better if you said that before you fired."  
"And give you an extra second to dodge? Fat chance."

"Suit yourself, you uncool person."

"Your retorts were better in the books, too."

She humpfs. "Shut up; I haven't slept in 2 days."

I drag the net across the clearing, which causes the conscious birdkid to start complaining. She doesn't like it very much either when I throw her in the wagon. Man, birdkids are so much more annoying to transport when they're awake. And she's not any less so on the ride home.

I get to the front door, once again dragging the angry and netted Max through it. Once I'm inside, I release her from her bag. She jumps into a fighting stance, complete with a mean look, snarl, the works, but a single flick sends her to the floor as I mutter, "Just go to sleep already…"

An already beat Max obliges and zonks near immediately. "'Bout time; it's been two days, and if she can't even stand a flick, you've got to close your eyes. In plus, I need some time to set up for tomorrow's activities.

But hey, zonking doesn't sound so bad right now, either…

-So this is the last capture, eh? Does this mean it's my last chapter? Yes? Ah, ok. Wait, WHAT?-

Max always claims to be a very light sleeper in the books, but she sure isn't waking up for me right now. Maybe sleeping on a couch nullifies her senses tenfold. But whatever, guess she'll- oh whoops.

I clear my throat and continue out loud, "Oh well, I guess she'll just miss out on a delicious breakfast. Such a darn shame."

Max is now sitting straight up in front of me wide awake. "Food, you say?"

Geez, it's like a keyword to them. Maybe the School should've tried taking over the world with food; seems to be a good way to distract the Flock. I motion to Max, "Come. If you want decent food, you'll have to help make it."

She follows, remarking," Whatever, so long as you don't mind this house burning down."

"Not like it's not going to anyways. Now go get some eggs out of the fridge; if we're going to fail, we're going to fail all-out with French toast."

And so the cooking adventures begin.

Now, I could tell you all the horrific details of how the kitchen was set ablaze while we were still beating eggs, or how we still managed to get some edible charcoal out of it, but there's no need to sicken you so quickly, so I'll leave it out. You'll thank me later.

"Well," I say as I put out the flames no longer issuing from my pants. "That was a fun experience."

Max rolls her eyes and asks, "Can I go now?"

"No way; there's still so many times to be had!" I exclaim, causing her to sigh.

"This outta be fun…"

"Oh, it will." I smile sincerely, making Max shudder. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go get my computer, be right back." I walk upstairs and nab my mom's laptop, something Nudge didn't wipe all the memory off of, then come back downstairs.

Max points to the laptop, questioning, "Uh… why do you have that?"

"Simple. It's time to introduce ourselves to the internet."

I turn on the browser and go to FanFiction dot net. I also bring up a word document and title it Max & Me, and type:

**Me: Guess who got a Flock Member! :D**

I turn to Max and say, "Okay, Max now say something witty."

"Like what?"

"Something Max-like. You know yourself best, so why should I tell you how to act?"

"If I do that, then the only thing to do is punch you."

I smile. "Perfect!"

**Max: *punches me***

**Me: Hey what was that for, you big meanie head?**

Max sighs, "Who uses meanie-head as an insult past the age of ten?"

**Max: Who uses meanie head as an insult past the age of ten?**

She glares, "Hey! Stop typing everything I say!"

**Max: *glare* Hey! Stop typing everything I say!**

I reply to her while typing, "Hey, you're the one that said it while I was typing."

"Then why didn't you just type that?"

"I call it selective editing."

She puts her head in her hands and whines, "Why am I doing this…"

I cheer, "For the fans! Do it for the fans!"

"Well I don't want fans if they're all like _you_."

I smile, "There's the wit I want!," and type it up.

Max yells, "But now that section doesn't make sense!"

**Max: But now that section doesn't make sense!**

A groan in the background only makes me feel that much better. After all, any comedic duo needs some conflict between them; the more under her skin I get, the funnier it will be.

The fact that it's just flat out fun for me helps, too.

Well, time to write up some fun stuff for the internet!

-This is only the second time you've used me in this capture. The. Second. Time. It's my farewell episode for crying out loud, use me! Please! I beg of you just give me my final moments of fame!-

It has only been an hour and I already have pages upon pages of dialogue. And multiple bruises on my back from when Max said she would punch me and actually did. But it was completely worth it. Time to upload and relax…

"Can I go, yet?" Max calls out in the living room for the hundredth time.

"No Max," I answer. "Capture isn't a temporary thing."

"You sure? I've been captured by the School multiple times. I've been captured by crazy mutli-millionaires multiple times. I've even been captured by my own Flock a couple times. Trust me, capture is a very temporary thing."

I smirk. "Yeah? Well I'm different."

She chortles, "Really? They had mutants that could lift cars on their sides, along with trained snipers, scientists with IQs over 180, and better traps than some rope in a doorway. What makes you so certain you're different?"

Well… when you put it that way…

"They didn't have me."

She lifts an eyebrow, then starts cracking up, falling off the couch and rolling on the floor. I feel like I'm not very well respected by her. But hey, maybe this is my chance.

I walk in with the smuggest grin I can muster to try and annoy her while saying, "Don't believe me? How about this, then. I bet I can keep you here for the whole night with you trying to escape every second."

A scoff replies to me, but I continue. "If you do escape, then I won't even bother chasing you an inch past my front yard. And you'll get as many groceries as you want from here in a bag to share with the Flock."

Now she starts to look interested, as she asks, "You sure you want to go starving? Fine by me. But what would happen if there was by some act of God a way you win?"

I change my snug grin into a psychotic one, actually shaking Max up a bit. "Oh, don't worry about that. All that happens is that you have to admit me better than the rest of all of your other captors in keeping you here."

"That's all? Okay sure, whatever you sa-"

"And you have to stay here forever without protest."

She laughs. "I'll accept that only because there's no way I'll lose. But even if I lose, there's no way I'll ever stay here willingly, let alone without protest."

My grin get even creepier, as I pull out a pill. "That's what this is for."

Instantly she growled at me. "No! Drugging me is out of the question. I'd rather just leave without the food!"

I laugh. "No no no; it's nothing like that. This won't affect you in any way. Except for once I win, I have this button, here." I pull out a big red button.

Max angrily asks, "And what does that do?"

"This button will turn on a super-magnet hidden under my basement. And the pill you're going to eat is a modified iron supplement. Once it gets to your stomach, the acids in there will dissolve the coating and let the iron pass into the intestines. Once it is in your intestines, it will coat part of it, not enough to affect your appetite or make it so you can't absorb the nutrients of what you eat, but enough to cause the super-magnet to have a pull on you. I have calculated it perfectly so that you can wander around the magnet for a 50 foot radius, which just about covers all of my house and backyard, and give you a little room for low flying, even."

She looks really angry now, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. She interrogates further, "And how do I know you're not lying?"

"Simple. As you've seen with my interactions with the Flock, I'm honest."

She growls, "And that means anything? Your word is scum to me."

"Well, if not my truthfulness, then how about this: You guys have been around for about a week. When I lost Angel, I thought to myself that I needed a way to keep the Flock here, since _some _of them didn't seem to like it here. And this is what came to mind. It was really simple to put together, really. Strong magnets can be found in a lot of places, and I know enough about electronics to make a switch. And also, I created that net launcher I used on you guys, too, and that clearly exists."

I offer the pill again, "So, you in?"

Max's angry face becomes more stoic. After another moment she finally says, "You know, this is the first time in the past few months that I've felt this much adrenaline flowing through me. For some reason, you know just the right buttons to press, as well as the technology to back it up. So you know what? I'll take you up on this."

I guess my Flock whispering skills have improved. Boo. Yah.

She takes the pill and swallows it, saying, "Game on."

-Wait a second. You're stepping up the story, the action, the everything, _but me?_ Why do you hate me so! Oh well; here's your story again… nobody ever listens to me…-

_Well, somebody's bitter_, I think to myself as I open the fridge. I really don't know why I'm thinking that, it just comes to mind for some reason.

"Well," I turn to Max. "What do ya want? Just take anything you want and put it in this net."

Her eyes bug out as she says, "Where was all of this stuff this morning when I needed it instead of ash du French toast?" She's clearing everything in the fridge then pulls out a giant unknown object. "Another question: what did this used to be?"

I scratch my head. "I think it used to be mold."

Max chucks it back in the fridge. "Well congratulations, it now has an open fridge to live in all by its lonesome." She thinks, then puts the milk back in as well. "I guess it needs some prey to feed on as well. In plus, that would be hell to travel with."

"Whatever you say; it's your food now. Or at least, it might be."

She laughs as she starts in on the pantry. "No 'might's about it; I swallowed that pill because I'm gonna win, and score all of these snacks. Is there any way I could have two bags?"

I shake my head. "One net limit."

"Dang. Well, I guess I could leave the 2 gallons of apple juice if it means more gummies. I must have _all _the gummies."

She takes all of my favorite food. It pains me inside a little to see this, but I'm confident in my ability to keep her here for a measly 12 hours as it just turned 5:00. Sure, I couldn't keep the others in for half as long, but they were what I like to call "practice". Now I know the Flock strategies, as well as have the upper hand, there's no way I can lose.

Finally, she finishes stuffing the bag to its fullest capacity. "So, when do we start?"

I inform her, "Why, it has started now. You have 'til 5 in the morning to escape. After that, it is officially morning and I have won, you got that?"

She's already gone.

I sigh, count to three, and hear the delightful sound of Max getting stuck in a duct tape doorway.

I call out, "Try to get the jump on me, why don't you? Maybe when you sneak off during my answers, you want to pay attention to your surroundings as well." I run over quickly, though, as I don't want her to dislodge herself while I'm gloating.

I drag her back into the living room still caught up in the duct tape and tape her up even more. I cheer, "Have fun!" and leave the room.

Well, that should take care of her for a little while. Now to wait…

-Is this what I think it is? Is this the start of a bunch of quick cuts? It is! Whatever I did for this wasn't enough! Thank you!-

5:10 PM

Max has dislodged herself from the duct tape and starts to roam around a little bit. She takes the time to look around the room and get used to her surroundings. After all, just trying to rush out the front door was a failure, as it obviously should've been. She hits herself in the head, muttering, "Stupid, stupid, stupid."

Looking at the surroundings, she notices a lot of traps based around leaving through doors. _Maybe that means that the windows aren't booby trapped…_

She lifts one of the windows, and her raptor vision zooms in on a tripwire on it. Sadly too late as a sandbag now falls from the ceiling and conks her on the head.

_I didn't see that on the ceiling, _she thinks as she blacks out.

-Okay, let's go! Escape attempt number 3, go, go, goo!-

6:30 PM

Max looks up wearily from where she was and sees that more than an hour has passed. Not good.

She jump up and checks for other traps around her. It doesn't look like there are any, so she keeps going.

Her toe touches a tripwire, but her reflexes make her dodge a flower pot. She looks up to the ceiling and sees nothing.

"Seriously," she mutters to herself as she again continues to search around the house for openings. "Where do all these items come from…"

The Kidnapper pops up from behind a doorway and answers, "It's best you try not to think about that."

She punches him in the face and continues her search for an obvious opening.

-Yay! I am recognized! Also, that was one nice punch Max just clocked the Kidnapper with. Props.-

6:45 PM

Max looks to the basement door. She hadn't bothered checking down there yet, preferring to search for exits at ground level; but perhaps there was a hole in the wall the Kidnapper had overlooked that she could use for a subterranean escape.

Unfortunately, this isn't meant to be, as when she opens the door, a can of mace flips from the frame and sprays her in the eyes. This makes her fall backwards into a skateboard that she could've sworn wasn't there before, and rolls down the hall. She hits another door where another potted plant falls, this one with a note on it that says, "This time with more accuracy."

She stands up blinded by the mace and dirt and walks forward with her arms acting as guiding devices. Her hand feels out what seems to be a door handle. She pulls down on it to open the door, but is electrocuted by what was actually a door handle that acted as a conductor for a generator.

"That kid is getting on my nerves again," The birdkid spits out through the fertilizer in her mouth.

-Man, this is a workout! And did the Kidnapper seriously expect that elaborate of a trap to work? Well it did, somehow. Weird.-

8:25 PM

She looks up the fireplace, to see if it's booby trapped. Glad to see it isn't, she starts climbing up it. She doesn't care how cramped it is, as she knows that once she's out of it she'll be out in the outside world.

The chimney is larger than she expected, and dirtier, too. She can barely see the outside stars through all the soot caught up in there. All the soot then catching on her face wasn't helping either. But she fights through it.

Soon, there's less soot, and the arms pressed between the walls and her body begin to climb faster, feeling the cool night air through all the muck, revitalizing her to work harder.

_Just a little more,_ she thinks to herself.

And just like that, she's up on the rooftop. Covered in soot and arm prints indented on her sides, but she's on the rooftop, free from the Kidnapper's games.

She takes a minute to collect herself, then realizes that she's far too much at peace right now. She slowly turns around to see the Kidnapper sitting there, net launcher cocked and loaded.

"Took you long enough to notice me," he says, and fires away.

-Sooo close, yet so far. Poor Max.-

9:00 PM

Max takes a shower. We are not allowed to give any other details.

-Sounds like she needed it. Moving on!-

11:11 PM

Max, still having no luck, notices the time. "Maybe this is what I need," she says to herself as she makes her wish.

_I wish I was able to escape this mad house. That I was back with the Flock. That I was making out with Fang at this very moment._

She felt the strange urge to check her pocket and found her Fang doll in there. Instantly, she fulfilled her last wish with the doll.

Again, we are not allowed to give any other details. But she did just make out with the doll, so nothing to really worry about.

Max, now done making out with the Fang doll, put it back in her pocket, then widened her eyes. She just realized she wasted her 11:11 wish on making out with a doll instead of finding her way to escape.

And yet, for some reason, she doesn't feel like she wasted it.

-It's time to check up on the rest of the Flock, I guess. Max needs some time to chill.-

The Flock is surprised. While they all felt that she needed to be captured by the Kidnapper just so she could get all the rage out of her system, they didn't expect her to be missing this late in the night.

"It's been a full day," Fang remarks. "None of us even came close to a full day."

"That's strange," Iggy replies. "I'd expect her to just beat up the poor guy and come back. Maybe she's just playing with him a little more than we expected."

The Flock all look at each other awkwardly, keeping silent for no reason. Gazzy, fed up with the silence, says, "Come on, guys. Max has been gone for a day, and we haven't done one thing to break her rules. We need to do something crazy, stat, before we become," he shudders. "Stick-to-the-rules-type people."

Everyone gasps. They just realized they haven't done anything to break Max's rules yet.

Fang leaps up and orders, "Okay, we need to get an instant party, now! Nudge, get that iHome we got when Total was missing!"

"Right away, sir!" Nudge salutes then runs to find the music.

"Gazzy and Iggy, raid our food supplies so Iggy can make something so weird it's delicious!"

"I shan't fail to meet your expectations!" Iggy replies as he holds Gazzy's hand and makes his way to the food stocks.

"Total!"

The doggy sits up, "What is it?"

"Go get lost!"

Total sighs and trots off. "Fine then; if you don't appreciate my company, I won't grace you with it. There's a dog park around here somewhere and I heard that there was a particularly cute miniature Australian Shepard roaming these parts."

Angel screams at Total, "Don't you dare doublecross Akila, you hear me?"

"I was only going to sniff her butt, geez!"

Soon the party starts, and all is well with the Flock. Not a single thought is spared towards Max for the rest of the night, as Iggy's creation proves to be mind-scrambling. Just the way they wanted it to be.

-Okay, that should prove to waste enough time. Here it comes; THE FINAL SHOWDOWN! (Bum, bum, BAAAAAAHM!)-

4:55 AM

This night has proven to be much harder for Max than she first expected. Just as I planned. I mean, to just let her win easily would be too hard of an ego bruise to ever heal. But now, I'm going to win, I just have to hold out for five more minutes and everything is golden.

Problem is, I'm running out of traps.

Max has an interesting way of dealing with traps, and that is by setting off every one she can find as quickly as possible. Even when I reset every one, she finds a way to come back through like a wrecking ball and set them off on her again. It gets really annoying, but luckily, it means she's only made it outside once, and that was when I routed her through the chimney. Such easy bait.

But right now, she's doing something strange.

She's just sitting down on the couch. Doing nothing.

Doing. Nothing.

…What?

I can't help but sit down next her and ask, "Why aren't you trying anymore? You still have five minutes, and that's plenty of time to escape."

She looks to me with a single tear dried on her cheek. "But I can't. That's just it. There's no way for me to escape, no matter what I do, it just doesn't work. I don't get it! Normally all I have to do is flex my muscles and use a little bit of brainpower and I'm free of these situations. But right now, it's not working. I just don't get it!"

Is she admitting defeat? Score!

…But winning's hollow if the other team's not trying. I try to cheer her up, "Oh come on. You can do this easily. Like, see that window in the laundry room? I haven't gotten to booby trapping it again yet. And I can assure you that you can make it to that window before I can."

"R-really? You're just going to tell me where to go?"

I laugh. "I'm not going to make it that easy for you, though. I've got my net launcher right here waiting to challenge you to one final duel."

Max smiles again, "Well isn't that nice," And clocks me in the face.

Dangit, she broke my nose! I roll on the floor in pain as I scream at her, "What was that for?"

She smirks, "This is like a street fight. You never fight fair. Always take the cheap shot. And since you so gladly told me where the exit is, I think I'll be on my way."

And so she leaves through the window. I hurry and stand up, blood again dripping from my nose. I go to grab my net launcher and Max's net of food and rush out of a disarmed door.

I check my clock. 4:58. I need to make this work. _Fast._

And lo and behold, there is Max on the edge of the front lawn of my house. I'm too late. She's pretty much won.

I call, "Very well, then! You won fairish and square!"

Max smiles, "That's right; I have."

"So you might want to get your bag of food, now. I mean, it's yours for winning, am I wrong?"

She scowls, "Yes it is, but if you think I'm going to get it, you're wrong. You come over here and give it to me."

I shrug, "Suit yourself," and walk over.

Once I'm next to her, I hand over the food and say, "Congratulations. Enjoy your feasts for the next few days.

"Oh, and also? Act fast."

I shoot her point blank with the net launcher. Instantly she is engulfed by the net. I am victorious at last!

Her voice is heard muffled through the net, "Hey, that's cheap!"

I can't help but reply, "This is like a street fight. You never fight fair. You take any shot you can so that you win."

I check my clock again. 5:00. Perfect.

"You're now mine forever, great Maximum Ri- wait. WHAT?"

I can't believe it.

The net had blown her back three feet.

Three feet onto the road.

She has technically escaped.

…

…Dang it, I hate sticking to my own rules.

I let Max out of her bag and once again give her the food. And, of course, she replies by punching me.

Before she turns to leave, I call out, "Hey, Max!"

She turns around, "What."

"You know that giant magnet?"

Her angry side surfaced immediately as she stormed up to me. "You didn't turn it on, anyways, did you?"

I laugh, "No, no. I'm a man of my word. Mostly.

"No, what I'm saying is that it never existed. And that pill you ate was just a normal vitamin pill. I just said that so that you wouldn't try escaping if I won."

I get head kicked for my troubles. Although afterwards, she asks, "If that's the case, then what does that big red button do?"

"I have no idea. I might try it later."

She shrugs. "Whatever, I don't care if it doesn't affect me. See you never."

And so the final Flock member runs off in the distance, to head towards the rest of the Flock. And today's the day their wing relaxant wears off.

Is it bad that I'm already feeling nostalgic for these last two weeks?

Nah, not really. I've had the time of my life doing this, even if it means I had to wreck this house to do so.

Which reminds me, my parents come back today.

…Why me?

-And that is all for this tale. See you another time! This is my last appearance, so I'm gonna make this worthwhile. So you know about that time during Angel's capture when she did that weird thing at the school that got the Kidnapper suspended? Well, what she did was…-

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**And that's it! After this, there is The Aftermath and I can finally put this story to rest! *phew***

**Also BONUS CONTENT ALERT!: And this one's a real doozy.**

**So you know the fake FanFiction the Kidnapper wrote in this entitled "Max & Me"? Well I finished it. It's the same format and can be found on my DeviantART page (username is "cjpolodo"). So if you enjoyed this chapter and want to see more of Max punching the kidnapper, her Fang doll, and other random things, please check it out!**

**Anyways, did you like this chapter? How was the length? The actual content? Did you like it? Hate it? Please leave a review and enjoy your day! :D**


	9. The Aftermath

**The ending is among us, and only one week after the last capture. But now is not the time to talk about updates, considering this is the last one.**

**Feels weird ending a story, in all honesty. Something you've been working on for months on end suddenly requiring nothing else, now all you can do is look on at the final results... it's going to be weird, but I have plenty of other projects.**

**But, on the bright side, this has amassed just under one thousand hits with the last eight chapters, so this one will put it over. Yay! ^-^**

**Anyways, thanks for the review on the last chapter to: oOEPICMoOoSEOo**

**And enjoy! :D**

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"So it's finally over," Max says to the Flock as they stretch themselves out. She had already berated them for their partying the whole night instead of coming to get her, but their explanation of "It's just one of those things you need to do on your own," had sufficed to cool her off. Not that it got them out of trouble for the partying, but it helped calm the storm.

"Yeah," answers Iggy. "I'm kinda surprised as well. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, it just kinda felt routine to see someone missing from the campsite. And heck, some of our adventures don't even last two weeks."

"But," Max replies. "Like all good things must come to an end, so must the bad."

Angel laughs, "I think I might miss the weird guy. I mean, he is completely insane, but he was determined to have a birdkid. You have to hand him the effort."

Fang shakes his head, "I'd give him an 'E' for effort, but that rounds down to an 'F'."

A couple of laughs emerge from the Flock, but it turns into a collective sigh. They can't seem to figure out why.

Iggy says, "I guess we all had a little bit of fun escaping the guy, didn't we?" A glare from Fang makes him continue, "Well, except for Fang. Sorry, bro."

"I swear, there is not enough therapy in the world that will let me be the same again. The fangirls…"

"I hope you _never_ to an anime convention then."

Fang does not appreciate the remark.

Total barks, "Well I didn't have much fun, either. I swear, that kid doesn't know the fine art of cooking properly. Doesn't anyone in the civilized world know how to properly cook a filet mingnon?"

Nudge looks at the dog. "Total, _we_ don't know how to properly cook a filet mingnon."

He huffs, "My point exactly!"

Max complains, "Come on, guys! We're supposed to be leaving right now!"

"But I haven't gotten a line ye-"

"Too bad, Gazzy. U & A everyone."

And so the Flock jumps in the air flying a little better than their last attempts. The wind blows by, tickling their feathers, giving them the feeling of flight that they have long been waiting for. The soft rising currents, the treetops far below them, the sun reflecting off of their wings, nothing feels better, especially after so long without the privilege. Yet they fly in silence.

Max sighs, "Okay, maybe I'll miss the guy, too."

The Flock looks at her, gawking looks on their faces.

"I mean, I miss how he always visited us… and how he kept capturing us somehow… and how he…" She cracks up. "I'm sorry, guys, I can't keep this up any longer. That guy is long gone! Let's go to Africa!"

Now everyone cheers, awkward feelings out of the air, and laughter in the air. Apparently the only awkward feeling in the area was the fact that there wasn't anything awkward for the Flock.

-And so the Flock permanently leaves. We'll miss them. We swear.-

It's been a long couple of weeks, but it's finally over, unfortunately. All of that hard work in for what, no Flockie kept and a ruined house to boot. Well, I at least learned how to bake cookies. Now I can add that to my repertoire of 1 thing I can cook.

But now what am I supposed to do? I have 4 days to clean up a house that has traps hidden throughout it, a couple shattered windows, a trashed basement, a lot of other household problems, not to mention replace a computer and a house-full of groceries.

I find this problem very easy to solve; ignore it until it goes away. So I decide to walk around and be retrospective about the experience, considering that the only other thing to do is clean up after the birdkids.

Was it worth it? Probably. I mean, I got to hang out with some of my favorite people to grace the Earth with their existence, but I also learned that the Flock are kinda mean to people. I mean, they just kept lashing out at me for no reason whatsoever. Well, Iggy was nice to me, at least, so why weren't the others?

Ah well, what's past is past, now what should I do now?

I think back and remember that I had once said that I could make a book of these. This makes even more sense now considering that I did that story with Max, so a full-fledged story can't be that much harder.

Well, that clears things up.

Immediately I turn on the laptop and start writing: _Have you ever wanted your very own birdkid?..._

Well, this will be fun.

As I continue to write this up, I feel like I missed a birdkid. Someone kinda important. But I shrug it off, there was only the seven members in the Flock, no one else.

But why do I still have that feeling…

-And so we leave the Kidnapper, forever. But then, who does that leave?-

"Hey, Dr. Hans," Dylan calls to his creator, Dr. Hans Gunther-Hagen. "I feel like the Flock just left trouble."

The doctor looks up from his computer and replies, "That's good. It seems that your danger sensors are working at peak condition. Now try looking into the future. Where will the Flock be going."

Dylan closes his eyes and holds out his hand to the sky. "They're going to arrive in Africa; Chad to be exact. They seem to be irked about something, but are laughing at it as well."

Dr. Hans claps his hands. "Perfect! Just perfect! Your powers are working to a 't'. Soon you'll be the perfect match for Max!"

"I also sense the words, 'I Fail Even More At Flock Hunting'."

The doctor slaps him, saying, "No, that's wrong, Dylan. That is not in the future. Now come over here, we need to start working on your perfect pop star voice before the Flock arrives..."

-And so we leave… them. And that is all! Wait, I wasn't even supposed to be in this chapter, so why am I doing this. You lied to me!-

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**And once and for all, everything is over. No sequels, no bonus chapters, no nothin'...**

**...Except for BONUS CONTENT (contradictions for the win) on DeviantART. Since this was the last chapter I have the cover (in a larger size than here, of course) and all of the OC Profiles, which in this case is the Kidnapper, Line and Natalie the Fang-irl. And also all of the other things I have pointed out in previous chapters. Just go to cjpolodo on DeviantART.**

**Anyways, my oldest still-living story has finally passed on into the finished section. I hope you have enjoyed reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it, and enjoy your day. If you want, you can tell me how you liked the series, the chapter, the characters, anything about this story in a review by pressing the button below.**

**Have a nice day! ^-^**


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